Questions

Questions I have to remind myself daily:

1. Is this asshole's bullshit opinion and transparent hypocrisy worth my energy?
2. Who is my impostor syndrome serving?
3. Am I getting compensated for this labor reasonably?
4. Do I need this person in my life?
5. Is this (person's) mess my burden?
6. Is this more important than spending time with my friends or my dogs?
7. Will this concern me in 5, 10, or 15 years?
8. Am I being kind enough to myself?

Power

The quest for power and dominance is fueled by a fear of intimacy.

When we expose ourselves, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in front of people we'd otherwise attempt to bend to our will, we avoid loneliness. We find love and kinship. We connect.

By shutting off those impulses, we surround ourselves with a giant moat of emotional impenetrability, and we are alone.

So, a byproduct of dominance is an incessant, abiding sense of alienation.

One Meets The Most Interesting People on Dating Apps

I’m happy to say that Tinder is no longer the hellscape of painful dating experiences and passive aggression that it once was for me. I’ve started to meet some kind and fascinating people.

No more strange men harassing me in pirate speak.

No more people my age telling me I’m ugly and old.

No more uncomfortable exchanges to screenshot so my friends can relish in my discomfiting singledom.

Just nice people, putting themselves out there, looking for any number of emotional, intellectual, or physical connections.

Sure there are still the dudes who put on the full-court emotional press—spitting an adorable game of how they want to girlfriend me up and treat me well--only to disappear after two weeks. But that’s their journey; I just happened to bump into them at that particular point of not-ready. I’m not bothered by it. Most are good, though.

There’s the guy who gave me the banquette seat and sat in an uncomfortable stool the whole date (that he paid for). I later found out—without him telling me--that he’s had major spinal surgery in the past. I thought that was a beautifully kind gesture.

There’s the self-described “masculine man by day exploring [their] feminine side,” who just wants female friends to hang out with--and who also directs, writes, and owns their own company. I’m excited about that one.

There’s the guy who encouraged me to talk about my real life, and who was very understanding about my struggles with depression and anxiety. I actually got to be myself on a date with someone! I didn’t have to perform the farce of a romantic job interview that most dating entails. And he was cute and funny, too.

There’s the hookup who checks in on me the way my friends do—with no expectation of further hookups, a relationship, a date, nothing. Just a kind, decent person.

My point is, I guess I needed to experience more of the real people who could be found inside of what at first seemed like a nightmare. I can’t believe it, but the site’s hyper-speed style, and its hyper-concentration of potential dates, have actually contributed to my hope and faith in the next stage of my life. There have been so many interesting people for me to meet. Oddly enough, by searching on a site that stresses the value in the immediate hookup, I found that I just needed to be patient to find worthwhile individuals. Sometimes, as I scroll through the ones I’m not immediately attracted to, I think about how they’re all just reaching out. Sure, their lives and mine will probably never intersect, but they’re trying. I hope they find the people who fit them nicely someday. Or at least I hope they meet cool people, too.