Men Who Want Love From The Women They Hate

Looking back on my heterosexual romantic life, I can’t remember the last time I entered into a relationship in which someone willingly and freely proposed to treat me with respect, and as an equal. Recently, I’ve noticed that packed into even the most seemingly innocuous of flirtations are deeply ingrained ideological practices, which seek to undervalue and devalue women in the name of love. Accordingly, the working title for this series is “Men Who Want Love From The Women They Hate.”

Yesterday, a man who thought he was a potential suitor asked me if I’d like to hang out sometime. He was particularly interested in debating the ideas I share on platforms such as this, because clearly, my feeble woman brain—what with the four degrees my intellectual labor has earned, a decade-and-a-half of higher education, and eleven years of professional experience on the subject matter which I write—is totally wrong about all of it. He intimated how exciting such a prospect would be. I told him that I wasn’t interested; but—since I am a woman—clearly my opinion on the matter was irrelevant, because he relentlessly repeated how a debate was what he wanted, so of course we had to meet up for this to become actualized. He also hit on me after I made clear that I’m fresh out of a relationship and too depressed for that sort of stuff, but again, no matter to him! Ah, yes, ignoring the person you wish to debate—a clear sign of advanced rhetorical skills. How did I not see that I was putty in his hands? 

I reiterated what I had already said, and all I asked was that he please listen to me. That’s it. I even said “thanks,” too. I wasn’t nasty. I didn’t go for low blows, and I easily could have. I gave him the respect and direct honesty that I would ask in return, nothing more or less. His response was predictable, so it didn’t hurt: “I understand now why your marriage broke up.” Then he blocked me. What a nice guy.

And he’s exactly right. That is why my marriage broke up. When I look back at my wedding vows, I cringe—and not because I hate my ex-husband. He’s a decent guy, a kind friend, and a phenomenal chef. I don’t regret being married to a person like that. I cringe because of what I said about myself. My wedding vows carried statements like, “I’m too crazy for anyone to love me,” and “Thank you for putting up with me.” I entered my marriage believing that I wasn’t worth much, that I was a burden. So, yes, in a way, setting boundaries, asking to be heard, and loving myself enough to set high relationship expectations are preciselythe reasons why my marriage didn’t work out (even though, obviously, the asshole on social media wasn’t implying as much). They’re also the reason why I have no time for guys like that delusional suitor now.

At worst, heterosexual men hate women. At best, they both consciously and unwittingly devalue us on a regular basis—and these behaviors are taught, are learned. Unfortunately, however, they’re not just learned by men. I can’t count high enough the number of women who’ve told me that I’m bold, or strong, or otherwise aberrant for asking for simple things like mutual respect. The reason is, we’re taught since childhood that: you don’t tell a man “no” when he thinks having a desire for something trumps your lack of desire for the same thing; you smile and act lobotomized when you hear ridiculousness and straight-up untruth come out of a man’s mouth; and you definitely do not expect to be listened to, because that shit? That ain’t happening. Or, if you’re really tough, you ignore him. That’s the solution. Make yourself invisible; that’ll really teach him a lesson. Unfortunately, it’s the same lesson he’s already learned—that women might as well not even exist, especially when it’s time to hold men accountable.

We carry these ingrained ideological practices into our adult lives—and when we challenge them, we are punished. I think about the last guy I dated. The same night I let him in on my secret heart, so to speak, he said I was fat to a room full of people. And I still pursued him! When he continued to treat me with that same level of negligence and disrespect throughout our relationship, I was initially confused. Then, I snapped out of it. I ultimately resolved to treat his feelings as indifferently as he had, for months, treated mine. And guess how long it took him to utterly vanish, only after expecting me to grovel for my insouciance? Less than a week, folks. Something similar happened when I left my marriage. The subtext at the end of both relationships was: how dare I treat these men in kind when conflict arose?

That’s why I think, when I now calmly, respectfully, and patiently articulate that I deserve respect—from people whose behavior hasn’t even earned it—they are flabbergasted. They can’t believe that this woman, who should be eating dirt out of gratitude for having even been acknowledged as slightly human, would demand such a thing as equal treatment. What a massive cunt I must be. But at least I’ll be a massive cunt alone, spending time cultivating the one relationship I should have all along—the one with myself.